I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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