SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
