I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
