Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize