So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
