I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
