I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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