Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
last night I used snow as a chaser
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