I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize