How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
