You just made me feel so damn special
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
