when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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