I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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