Your face is a jimmy john
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
