this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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