just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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