my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
