I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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