Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
