Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
