Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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