seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize