If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize