Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
