I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
