if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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