When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Text me some of your sweat
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