ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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