sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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