I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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