ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
