The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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