Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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