rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
