I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Bring me that man meat
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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