I wish I could teleport
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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