Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
