I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I currently don't understand fingers.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
