Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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