I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
soo... how was my night?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
