when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
