Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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