So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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