I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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