At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
