I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
