Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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