i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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