he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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