yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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