I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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