I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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