I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
