i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
