I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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