Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
