and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
