Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
