So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
