The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
