Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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